There are a million stories I can (and most undoubtedly will) tell, and I'll try not to put them all in this post. Basically, my grandmother (the only grandparent that I still have alive) is aging, and with her Parkinson's and the Dementia that she has that is rapidly progressing, it was time to have her placed in an assisted living facility. Consequently, Mom and Dad drove to Baltimore, and I flew out and drove home with them after we packed Granny up.
Let's just say that putting someone you love in a tiny room that's "NOT a nursing home" but that's not home is very difficult. I know it was miserable for me, and I imagine that it was a million times harder for Mom. For years, Granny has begged us not to put her in a nursing home, and the assisted living facility is not a nursing home, but it is a home with nurses and health aides and everything is monitored. Further, Granny had lived in her home for 58 years, through the deaths of both her husbands, raised two children and one grandchild, watched the world change as her neighborhood changed, and spent all of her adult life in this house.
It's also not easy to watch someone you love deteriorate, both physically and mentally. It's particularly scary when you realize that this could be you in another 50 years.
So I went to try to ease the situation for both Granny and for my mother. I'm not so sure I did anything for either of them. A little bit of background info on my family is that in addition to the medical issues for Granny, there's also family drama everywhere....I have an aunt that is not the best example of what a person should be that's fleecing Granny of every nickel and dime that she's ever saved--which Granny freely hands over fistful after fistful--and is married to an honest to God mental patient; a cousin that's trying so hard to get away from his mother (said aunt) that he has changed all his numbers and hasn't contacted the family in months--enough months that we didn't even know that he has another child; and a great uncle that is very lonely and has discovered in the past 10 years or so that his life wasn't what it could have been or what he wanted it to be--so he struggles to control everyone else's life. It wasn't just a matter of trying to move Granny, but a matter of dealing with all of them and the constant drama that surrounds them. We watched my aunt remove a couple of hundred dollars in a matter of days from Granny. Aunt announced that she hunted Cousin down and told Cousin that we didn't want to see him--not at all true; in fact, my mother and father have acted as pseudo grandparents to my cousin's children and desperately wanted to see them, but couldn't reach Cousin as he's hiding from Granny and Aunt. Great Uncle is really distraught to see his sister, Granny, in the state she's in and is depressed enough that Aunt and Mom are worried about his well being. Granny can't keep track of days or conversations, sees hallucinations, and honestly believes that she should be going to the house although she falls on a regular basis and the house is full of stairs and other obstacles.
I really did not get to spend much time with anybody as I was packing and searching the house for the valuables and memories that couldn't be replaced if something should happen to the house now that it's empty (because we all know what a safe city Baltimore is). I think I spent maybe a total of 4 hours with Granny, about 30 minutes with Aunt and a different 30 minutes with Great Uncle. I wish I could have spent more--this is what's left of my family, and I don't really know any of them. To be honest, I don't think I want to know my aunt, but my great uncle is a fascinating man, and I enjoy conversations with him. I find it difficult to spend time with Granny because of what's changed due to her medical issues, but I wish I had had more of an occasion to try with her.
Growing up, I didn't know my family on either side very well--we lived out West and everyone else lived on the East Coast. I knew my paternal grandparents better because they came out West a couple of times a year, but my maternal grandparents came once and then not until I got married. We did go East once or twice a year until I was in high school and then I didn't go any more. Once I graduated high school, I made an effort to go East myself and to see family, but that was only once a year or so. I've always envied those with close extended family. As my in- laws and I can't seem to get along with each other (probably because although we live less than a mile away from each other and my husband and I have been together for going on 9 years, there just hasn't been time to get to know each other--according to my MIL and FIL, it's not that they don't like me, but that they don't know me), it appears that should I ever have children, they won't have an extended family either. I guess it's just really hit hard, and picking through my grandmother's memories hasn't made it any easier.
On a more cheerful note, I did have a chance to visit with my Aunt and Uncle from my father's side of the family. That Aunt and I exchange e-mails every now and then, and I hadn't seen them since my father's father passed away back in 1994. I actually don't know if my Uncle came to the services then, but I don't remember him at all. They are a hoot--think New York, think Italian, and think fun--that explains them. They brought my cousin's baby, their newest grandchild, with them from NY and spent a couple of hours with us in Baltimore. They have invited/encouraged me to visit them at their home in Florida, and if I can figure out when I'll be able to do so, I'd love to see them again. I don't want to lose a chance to get to know any of my family, and other than occasional generic e-mails/Christmas cards, I don't have contact with anyone from my father's family since his parents passed away.
The other thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is that family is not just by blood, and I have been truly blessed to have a number of brothers and sisters by choice. I guess I really do have a large extended family in the ways that matter most--by love.
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