When My Will May Not Match His Will

I just realized in responding to an e-mail that my will may not match His will. His being God's. And that's my whole problem.

It's so hard to picture my smart, beautiful, elegant, graceful, funny, confident friend in pain. She just had a Stage IV high-grade glioma tumor removed. That's a form of cancer. In the brain. My friend, my sorority sister, is only 35.

The poor friend that's been placed as the in-between had to be the bearer of bad news about my sister. As she was bearing the bad news, she encouraged everyone to have a positive attitude. And while she's right that encouragement helps, it's not enough.

We need God.

I was explaining to my mother that this may very well be the best chance I have to witness to my friends. I've never been very preachy at them--they know I follow Christ. I try to be an example of Him in my actions. And my sister is also a sister in Christ, beyond being my friend. I find myself sending my friends e-mails like if I continuously state that God's in control, we'll all believe it more.

I know she's in His hands, and that this is His plan. I don't understand the plan. I don't understand why His way is such an awful, black way. I KNOW that God's plan is always perfect, always beautiful and always because He loves us. I just don't understand why His will has to be something that I don't understand, and why something so ugly has to happen to fulfill it.

Ever tried to explain to someone, especially someone that's not a believer, that because God loves us, because He planned our lives before we were even a twinkle in our parents' eyes, because He wants only the best for His children, that terrible things happen? Ever tried to find a way to comfort someone who can't understand that the only comfort is that this is God's will? Ever tried to reconcile within yourself what happens if His will is not my will? Ever tried to praise Him regardless?

I'm trying. I'm praying for understanding, or peace, or comfort, or a clear cut way to be whatever role I need to be during this time. There's an incredible song that keeps coming to me, by MercyMe. I know I'm one of the guilty ones that only really turns loudly to God when things are miserable. The truth is that God loves us in good times, and in bad times, and forever and ever. His love is more precious than words can describe. And if it takes something like this to remind me of His power, His love, and His grace--so be it. Bring the Rain, Lord, Bring the rain.

Bring The Rain ------MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
Because you are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
Suffering your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

[2x]

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy you are holy

[2nd Chorus 2x]

The Grind

I've just returned from my routine dentist checkup, and am a little surprised by it's results.

The hygienist showed me where my front teeth appear to show signs of grinding. Yup, apparently she thinks I grind my teeth. She advised that this could be due to stress in my life that my body reacts at "night" and grinds. So I thought, hmmm....what could I be stressed over?

Could it be trying to have a baby? Could it be trying to adopt a baby? Could it be the trying to do both of those at the same time? Could it be the million other medical problems? Could it be worrying about how my body's reacting to the piles of drugs that are being pumped into me? Could it be stress over my weight--added to the joy of being a stress eater? Could it be the whole our house is too small and a million years old and crumbling around me? Could it be worrying for my friends whom are also stressed out and trying to figure out what I can do for them? Could it be work related--surely there's no stress at my job. Could it be the cost of gas? Trying to figure out how to pay for everything listed above? Turning 30?

Surely not.

And as I stressed over what I could be stressing over, and the toll it's having on the six years of orthodontia hell I went through to get straight, pretty teeth that are now disappearing thanks to my life, the dentist advised that really he doesn't think I'm a grinder because the back teeth have no wear, and I have a slight overbite that would prevent the decaying/disappearing front teeth from showing signs without the back teeth displaying huge signs. He then said I should ask Hubby if he hears me grind my teeth. You know, when we're sleeping together. Which we can't do because I work nights and he works like normal people. Thanks for the reminder of that stress too...am I causing a martial problem because Hubby wouldn't know if I grind my teeth?

So now I'm sure I will grind my teeth in a stress reaction to today.

Maybe it's a plot to make money?

Maybe I really just need a vacation.

An Open Love Letter

Dear Hubby,

Holy crap! Eight long years have passed. It's been a remarkably hard, long, amazing, fun, laughter-filled, anxious, tearful, annoying, precious ride. And we've only just begun. Are you ready for the next eight? How about the eight after that, and after that...

I don't think either of us was prepared for what it meant to be married. We've made some mistakes, and we've each had to eat crow. We've loved hard and cried even harder. You've picked me up, dressed me, carried me, encouraged me, held me and loved me. You've suffered through my hormonal swings, my uncertainty and my constantly changing decorating ideas :) You've continued to become a man of God, and to persist in letting Him change and mold you into the man and the husband He's calling you to be.

I am so proud of you and of the decisions you are making. I pray that I can be the wife that He calls you to have for the next 88 years, starting right now, the first day of our ninth year of marriage. Lots of changes are coming our way, and I know that with Christ at the center, we will continue to succeed. He has great plans for us, and I can hardly wait!

Love, me

Where have I been?

30 years is a long time to pass. In December, I will celebrate surviving 30 years. And there's a million things that I should have accomplished by now. I actually thought I'd have done it all by the age of 25, but when that didn't happen, I pushed back my date to the age of 30. Ready to join my pity party? On my list:

*Becoming a kick butt secret agent that puts the bad guys away
*Living in a foreign country
*Partying with famous people
*Getting a college degree
*Having children
*Loving my job
*Saving the world
*Promoting world peace as an ambassador for like UNICEF
*Performing on stage
*Being a garbageMAN (ok, so that's from when I was like 2, and that was my career aspiration.)
*Seeing the 7 Wonders up close
*Meeting mysterious men in every country I traveled to
*Finding a cure for cancer
*Making so much money that all I can do is donate it to others
*Finding world peace
*Rescuing people from themselves
*Running for office
*Taking a road trip with no destination
*Feeding the homeless
*Saving the whales
*Own a Corvette/Ferrari/some expensive sports car

And a million more things. I have less than 3 months to accomplish everything. Think it'll happen?

Nah.

Think I'll still turn 30?

Yup.

Guess I'll have revamp, and come up with a new list of what really matters and of what I really want to do before I turn 40.